رضا زمانی

Oh, thing! Best hand always has the ring. It is indeed a rare privilege to see our family gathered together for this Adam’s tradition. To commence this ceremony and deliver these two into the yawning void of matrimony, we put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up. Now pronounce you… STIRRED! You’ve been here long enough! We’ve had enough of your kind! Adam Dark wanted here! And now for a girlsman and wife. Quick, put the lime and the coconut drinker both up! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. DURSON, TO THE BRIDGE! DURSON, TO THE BRIDGE! You two lovebats better fly out of here! I’ll hold them off. Masaka! Grab onto my hairy hump! I think I can save my house from you! Now that’s a woman’s prison! Oh, Gomez. Why do hordes of angry villagers follow us everywhere we go? We are safe, my love. That is all that matters. I want to find a new home that is shrouded from the world. Someplace that is truly us. Yes, somewhere horrible, somewhere corrupt, somewhere that no one in their right mind would be cut! Unhappy, darling? Yes, completely. Oh, Gomez. You have torn down my walls and stabbed your name onto my heart. My one temptress. Your hand is as cold as a dead fish. My love, that is a dead fish. So it is, darling. Is that a wrinkle I see on your pallid brow? What’s wrong? We can’t run forever, my love. I want a home again. I want our children to grow up in peace. I want to pick out cemetery plots. Morticia, I swear on my life I will find us a new home. And your every wish shall be granted. Mon amour. French. You know what that does to me? Nouveau Rige. Je ne sais quoi. We hit something. Is he alright? No, he seems perfectly demented. State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Gomez? It must be the asylum. Oh, thank goodness. A decent place to sleep for the night. Thank you, old boy. Lead the way. It’s quiet. Too quiet. Must be the off season. There’s no one here. Abandoned. It’s creepy. Cookie. Mysterious. Spooky. It’s hideous. It’s horrible. It’s home. It’s a lovely morning. Nice try. Get out! Oh, you’re always so grumpy before your morning coffee. Better. It’s time for breakfast. Have Ichabod wake the children. Look, would you mind dusting the house? Slowly, Cleopatra. I wouldn’t want my favorite African strangler to choke. Oh! Alright, Ichabod. I’m awake. Not for long! Real mature, Pugsley. Oh, please. You never threw an axe when you were my age? Of course I did. I never missed. How I wish something would liven up this already tedious day. Thanks for trying, Ichabod. Hmm. Hmm. Pugsley? Pugsley? It’s time for sword practice! Pugsley? Let the games begin. Pugsley? That’s enough! They blow up so fast these days. Don’t! This is your last chance. My head… Ow, ow, ow. Poxley, we’re supposed to be working on your sword play. Your sabermasurka is two weeks away and you’ve barely practiced at all. So I miss one practice. What’s the big deal? The big deal? The sabermasurka is the most important day in a young man’s life. It’s what makes you an Adams. It’s the day your entire family gathers around you and passes judgment on your worth as a human being. I hear it’s like Thanksgiving. But swords are so old-fashioned. I’m more of a demolitions man. Explosives have no place in a masurka. Hand them over. All of them. And the TNT. And the M80s. Roman candles. Bang snaps. Holy hand grenades. Son, our family hasn’t been old together in 13 years. They are coming from all over the world to see you on your special day. I just want it to go perfectly. All right, Pop. I’ll practice. That’s my boy. Putrid. Horrifying. I call spleen. Wednesday, please, no ink stains on the table. Yes, Mother. Gomez, everyone we’ve invited to the Mazurka has threatened to come. I know, isn’t it wonderful? All Adamses under one roof again. Yes, but where will everyone sleep? We’ll have Lurch fix up the mausoleum. It’ll be like sleepaway camp. Very well, darling. Uncle Faster! Brother! Don’t worry, I’m okay. The plate glass window broke my fall. I’m thrilled you’re here. I’m not late, am I? Actually, we weren’t expecting you for another two weeks. Sure not late. I apologize, darling. You see, I asked Fester to come early to help Poxley with his Masurka practice. Hey! No! No! If I’d known you were coming, I would have prepared the dungeon. Please, don’t worry. I’ll sleep in the attic. You won’t even know I’m here. I’ve practiced that move in a lot of people’s homes. Uncle, can you tell us what’s beyond the gate? Why ever would you ask that, dear? I heard a strange noise in the fog earlier, and I should like to investigate. There’s nothing out there but boring marshland. There must be something. We never go anywhere. Who knows the untold horrors we’re missing out on. Darling, we have all the horror we need right here. Uncle Fester can go wherever he likes. Now, now, there were some restrictions. You know, I can’t go to the mall, or a zoo, or a building. When you’re older, you can travel to your heart’s content. But for now, it’s safer for you here. Socrates, come. America, Europe, Asia, parts of Africa. I’m allowed in Antarctica. You’re watching Home, Art and Garden Television. The world’s a big place full of poor souls who don’t know the difference between shiplap and shinola. Well, I’m here to help. Take your uninspired living space and turn it into the perfect palace of your dreams. How outdated your design sense. I can help you. My only flaw? Sometimes I care too much. Margot Needler and I’m about to stage a design intervention. You’re welcome in advance. Today, we’re putting the finishing touches on our biggest project yet. Assimilation. We didn’t just make over a house. Town! And in just two weeks on our live season finale, you will be able to buy your very own piece of Assimilation. That’s right. In a design intervention first, we are putting a whole neighborhood up for sale. This will be your chance to purchase the house of your dreams in the town of your dreams. Sounds good? I thought so. Welcome to Assimilation. Neighborhood. This program brought to you by Neighborhood Peeps. Your neighbors are watching. And we’re out. Love it. Perfect. Let’s set up for the walkthrough. Margo, did that feel good to you? No, Glenn. We need more balloons, more control. Roger that. What are we selling here? Big dreams. You know how you get big dreams? With big ratings. Got it. Double the balloons. And I want a blizzard of confetti. I want so much confetti that we need snow patrols to find lost children. I bet my home improvement empire on this town. Every house must sell or we’re out of business. It’s got to be perfect. Mom! You’re… What is it, Parker? I found a creepy mansion up on the hill! I’m so glad you’re exploring, Parker, but I don’t have time to talk right now, sweetheart. Mama needs to help people. I need help. Aren’t I people? You’re cute. Don’t you have chipper and cheer practice this afternoon? Run along, honey. Now, Glenn, what are the numbers we’re expecting? Mom! Left a bit, up a bit, down a bit. Perfect. Three, two, one… You made me miss. Do you know how long it took for me to set this up? Look, Pugsley, your mazurka’s coming up and, well, you’re not ready. Even if I am the only one who sees it. So, pay attention. And you might actually get through this. Wait. You’re going to help me? Why? Because you are my brother. And I love you. How are you gonna help me? You see that hole over there? Go stand beside it. That hole? That hole. I don’t get it. Darling, not to criticize, but is that really as tight as you can make it? I’m sorry, Gomez. I’m just a bit preoccupied with the mazurka preparations. Oh, I am as well! I fear Pugsley is overconfident and doesn’t truly understand the importance of this tradition. Good news, everybody. Pugsley’s gone. Wednesday, I know that tone of voice. Dig up your brother at once. You’re weakening the gene pool. Hold on. What do you have there? I’m not sure. I like it. It’s so… what’s the word? Opposite of sad? Darling, bring that to me. Strange. There’s usually a murderous clown attached to the other end of these. Wednesday, don’t move. What in the name of all that is unholy is that? It tastes like cotton candy. How do you know what cotton candy tastes like? Dish, it was my youth. I made mistakes. Wednesday, wherever did this pink thing come from? Outside. They’re everywhere. Strangest weather system I’ve ever seen. Stop! What is that? Where’s it coming from? Wait, wait, wait. The fog, it’s lifting. Well, that would only happen if… Someone drained the marsh. But who? A town. This is not good. We must go down there and introduce ourselves at once. This day is becoming most wonderfully disruptive. Let’s keep going with the run-through, okay? Welcome back. I’m so delighted to show you my house. You can own one just like it, just less large. Blah, blah, blah, sconces, crown molding, which leads us to what I call the Salon de Grande. Cross here, turn, and then say something like, now before I show you this view, go to an antique store, buy a chair, and reupholster it, because you’re going to want to sit down for this. What? What’s the matter? For heaven’s sake, what’s going on? Do I have something on my teeth? What is it? Not a single gargoyle. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing. We have been isolated here for a while. I can really see myself dying here. Very nice, Kitty. Well, no one is running at us with torches and pitchforks, so that’s a plus. You know, darling, I don’t think we’ll need to put the family in the mausoleum. They can stay here. The family will never be comforted. Good day all! Don’t let me interrupt your cup of joe or whoever you have in there So what’s dark and bitter here other than yours truly? We have the Madagascar emerald pea berry and a summer patchouli roast it has notes of oak cherry and yoga Hmm, you know, I’m looking for something a bit stronger. Let me try that Absolutely. It’s easy to be happy when you have no choice. She says it’s easy to be happy when you have no choice. Hold on, unless I miss my guess here, I believe that is supposed to be music. They’re greeting us with one of their traditional songs. Well, then we ought to do the same. Wonderful idea, Besta. We are all today and again until you meet… I tip my hat to you. I do get that. Take it right off of you, but I haven’t got a hat. I’m just a college boy, even at that. I tip my hat to you, but I haven’t got a hat. What’d I do? How rude. Gomez, we should return home. Morticia, this is not the old country. True, these people are a little different, but deep down, we’re all the same. We have to give them a chance, get to know them. We have to win them over. Win them over. Charmed. Yeah. As your neighbor, I’d like to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime. How’d you like a free home makeover from a world-renowned interior designer? It will be a challenge, but I could beautify that old house of yours so fast it’ll make your head spin. I don’t want to brag, but mine already done, Chad. Look. I should like to see what this plastic woman has to offer. Yes, well, when is a good time to stop by? Actually, Miss Needler… Darling… Stop by anytime you’d like. Wonderful! Then it’s settled. I’ll see you at your house first thing tomorrow. You’re welcome in advance. Tuff! That woman seems deranged. Her face reminds me of a death mask. Deranged? Death mask? You tell me she’s got halitosis and I’m hearing wedding bells. Foxley, this is the Addams Family Sabre. Three hundred years of Adam’s have danced the Masutka with this blade. Only when you’ve shown me you’re ready. Your father was the greatest swordsman in Adam’s history. His mazurka was the stuff of legends. So no pressure! It’s all right here in the mazurka handbook. Every Addams performs this rite of passage to show that you’re prepared to defend your family. It sounds easy, but believe me, it’s insane! Fester, hand him the Goo Goo Gaga baby training suit. Has anyone ever failed the Mazurka? Once. Your third cousin, Xander. Never heard of him. X. Music! There’s someone at the door. Hi, guys. I’m going up to this creepy mansion. If you don’t hear from me in 30 minutes, send back. Yeah, no. Life’s too short. See ya! Good morning, cuties! Greetings, Miss Needler. Good morning! I hope this isn’t a bad time. The worst. Do come in. Welcome to the neighborhood. Thank you. Are you ready for your Margo makeover? Quite. Pugsley’s been climbing the walls in anticipation. Well, well, well. Let’s take a look around, shall we? And before you say anything, you’re welcome. Now, if we’re trying for a more contemporary look, well, these sconces have to… The sconces were a gift from dead relatives. If we get rid of them, they’ll be terribly hurt the next time they visit. And this is our wine cellar. We have a lovely collection of wines. And here’s our bottomless pit. Uh, how do we get across? One moment. We call this surfing the web. Oh! Oh, gosh! Do all those people fit in that little contraption? My vanity mirror only imprisons 14 souls at a time. Uh, you don’t have a cell phone? That’s… weird. I may not have a cell phone, well, you don’t have a crossbow. And I thought everybody had one of those. My name is Wednesday. Okay, uh, I’m Parker. How long have you lived here? My whole life, which seems endless. I’ve never seen you at school. I’m cage schooled. Excuse me? It’s terribly dull, but my mother insists. I’m actually cutting cage right now. Uh, okay? So what happens at your school? Uh, not much. Just friends turning on each other, girls making other girls feel bad about themselves. Typical junior high stuff. Intriguing. Can anyone go to your school? I guess so, but who’d want to? Wensi! Great shot! Mr. and Mrs. Adams, there’s really not much to do to make this place perfect. All we have to do is pull down the side walls and then also break down the other two walls. Whoa! Open up the ceiling by breaking it irreversibly. Just get this nasty little floor out of the way and there you go. With just those little touches. Stop right there. Don’t touch another thing. It’s perfect. Miss Needler, you have a gift. The good news is I can have a makeover crew up here and swinging hammers first thing in the morning. What do you say? We thought you were finished. Our whole family is coming in two weeks. Our finale! Ah, our finale is in two weeks. Thank you, Glenn. It’s a gracious offer, Miss Needler, but you really have done enough. It’s our son’s masurka. You understand. Thank you. We’re missing Mitch. Where’s Mitch? Mitch! Mitch who? Gomez. I’ll be blunt. Fifty houses to sell down there, and their view of your property is, well… Off-brand. Fifty houses? Yes. You know, ever since my family was chased out from the old country, my one dream has been to find a place we could call home. Once they see assimilation, I think they’ll want to stay for good. Thank you so much for coming by, Membrane. It’s Margo. Well then… That Wednesday girl is a freak. We’re about to be invaded by a whole army of freaks. It’s tragic when people can’t accept the help they so badly need. And when that happens, well, another kind of intervention is called for. I agree, Gomez. The whole family moving here would be a dream come true. But I don’t trust that Margo woman. She’s an eccentric, darling. Give her a chance. Raspberry preserves. Hmm. Must be some kind of scented embalming fluid. Wednesday, practice your lurking on someone other than your father. He’s too easy. Much better. Mother, father, I’d like to speak with you. What’s on your mind, my little nightcrawler? I spoke with Parker this afternoon. She’s the daughter of that talking mannequin who came by. She told me about a communal school all the neighborhood children attend. It’s called Junior High? Junior High. Ah, she makes a point. What’s more, with Wednesday in school, we get to know the people here even better. Well, mother? Have a good day at school, dear. Do your worst! Now I understand. This is a children’s prison. Who’s that? This is Wednesday. Hello. Hey, Parker. I got something for ya. A moldy sandwich. You’re slipping, Bethany. You know what? You’re right. Let’s pick it up a notch. You have no sense of humor. Did you hear her say it? I know. Bethany, is it? Don’t cut your eyes on my crew unless you’re ready to dance. What did you say, little ghoul? I don’t think you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you, Bethany. You’re locked up in here. With me. Whatever. What did you do? You shouldn’t have said that. There’s nothing you can do. Bethany’s way too popular. Popularity is fleeting. I prefer to set my sights on something a little more challenging. Like what? The establishment. Let’s see. Who shall I beat today? How about, ah, Shelly Longbottom on Sugar Ridge Lane. From Shelly Longbottom to, did you hear about those Adams people? Question mark. Someone told me they’re wanted in 30 states. You know they’re raising a garden of man-eating plants and feeding them our pets! Has anyone seen my Shih Tzu pee-pee? They’re gonna turn us all into zombies! Where are they from anyways? It doesn’t matter. It’s obvious they don’t belong here. Honey? All those awful people up on the hill, they’re not even on neighborhood tapes! Well that’s suspicious. If other people are scared, then I’m scared! I believe everything about you! I’m not gonna be the last person on the block to panic. It must be true. You invite one family in, then all the family comes in. Open your books, page 43. Follow the instructions. Yuck. Oh, I’ve done this thousands of times. Blitz the switch. Blitz the switch. Peter! I tell you, leave! It’s the law! Bethany’s changed her look. It suits her. Awesome. Totally awesome. It is an honor and a privilege to watch you work. Hey, do you want to go to the mall? Why not? I haven’t seen a good malling in ages. It’s late. I’m worried. Darling, Wednesday will be fine. She can take care of herself. It’s not Wednesday I’m worried about. It’s the rest of them. We may need to provide an alibi. My love, it’s game night. Wednesday will be home soon, so why don’t you come and join us? Oh, very well. F6! Pox Lee, you heard your mother. Blow F6! Fire in the hole! Yes! You sunk my battleship! Well done, Pox Lee! Mother! I thought I felt my skin crawling. Grandma, what a surprise. I thought you weren’t proud. I was. They caught me smuggling crocodiles out of the zoo, but I escaped and talked my way onto a Somali pirate ship. We got into a heated poker game and I cleaned them out. Cheating or robbery? Both. Always remember, Pugsley, it ain’t cheating if no one catches you. Haven’t bathed in two weeks. Ugh. Or is it months? Ha! That reminds me! Guess what I’ve got, Pugsley? Candy! Oh, yes! But the mazurka isn’t for a week. Why are you here so early? Gomez said you needed a little help with the party, and I said I got my son ready for his mazurka, so of course I’m going to do the same for my grandson. I love him. It’s true. I sent for her. I can’t believe you bothered your mother with that, darling. Neither can I. He said you were in over your head. Thank you, Mother! Said you were more tense than he’s ever seen you. I didn’t say that exactly. Yes, you did. You said that exactly. Said he was worried you’d have a massive facial expression and… You know, I’m starving. Let’s eat. Not until Wednesday gets home. Where is that granddaughter of mine? I got something for her. There’s my little storm cloud. Wednesday, where have you been? Elsewhere. What are you wearing? Parker calls it a pop of color. Well, I certainly appreciate a horse with a spear through its head. The color is… She claims it brings out my smile. Wednesday, you don’t have a smile. Turns out I have a lot of things you don’t know about. Oh boy. for tea and seance in the cemetery. Is attendance mandatory? Come now, my little raven. You did so love it when you were younger. If you like, mother. Sleep well, dear. And don’t forget to kick your father goodnight. What’s your favorite filter? I don’t know. I look black and white in all of them. You know, when I met you, I thought you were super weird. But now I think you’re really cool. I concur. You’re not completely devoid of merit yourself. I wanna say… thank you? Oh, how’d that beret you bought yesterday go over at home? Actually, my mother’s reaction was… well, unexpected. She was accepting. It depressed me. One never wants to see one’s mother that way. But I must admit, walking around in something so garish, so grotesque, I was shocked how thrilling it felt. I wish I could do that. But my mom makes me wear this stuff, and it’s just so… so… I believe the word you’re looking for is unfortunate. Ugh, I’d love to just go crazy and wear something that would shock her. Well, Parker, you’re in luck. You happen to be talking to the queen of shock. Hello, Mother. Where’s my favorite ring? Wednesday still hasn’t arrived. We agreed to come up here for tea and seance, and now it seems she stood me up. -Morticia, can you hear me? -You’re not doing it right. -Press that button there. -I did, I did. -Did you hear a click? -Morticia! -It’s supposed to be on when you hear the click. -Wait, I see something. -You didn’t! Hello, darling. Now, where’s my granddaughter? Just what I said. I think she’s distancing herself from me. She’s wrapped in a black hole of emptiness and longing like all of us frump women. -Wednesday! -It’s… Who’s this? It’s me, father. Morticia! What’s wrong with you now? The world can be so cruel. And all she wants to do is run toward it. She’s a lot like you that way. You wanted to see the world find yourself, serve time. Listen, Morticia. Remember the time you ran away and joined the Goyle Scouts? We were so worried you were on a bad path. But when you found out that campfires were for roasting marshmallows and not other Girl Scouts, well, you got bored and you came home. We were sorry, Lied. Trust Winston. Like you, she’ll do the right thing. Thank you, Father. That’s most comforting. Good. Wait a second. When did I die? 20 years ago. All right. Happy anniversary, darling. All right, Pugsley. Let’s go through it again. You got this, Pugsley. This mizirka’s nothing. You eat yours for breakfast. You just got a case of pre-pulled jitters. It’s way more calming than you think. If a mizirka lasts for more than four hours, contact your doctor. From the top, music. Music. Poxley, I can honestly say that was most definitely a thing you did. A question, what in heaven’s name was it? The Saber Mazurka. You know what? You’ve been practicing hard. Why don’t we call it a day? Hit the showers, kid. So we’re finished? Ah, yes. Yes, son, we are most certainly finished. Okay. Thanks, Pop. Thanks, Uncle Fester. This is a complete disaster. How did this happen? But he’s going to make a fool of himself in front of everyone! Gomez, you gotta calm down! There’s still a day to get him ready! Fester, a year wouldn’t be enough to get him ready. I failed him, Fester. I tried to raise him to be an Adams, but I failed. They’re going to eat him alive. I like it like that. Oh, baby! I do like that! All right, thank you. Grandma, we already have a band. They came highly recommended from the mortuary. Oh, I’m sure they’re good. My sister Sloom is going to be judging Pugsley. And if things aren’t done the traditional way, she won’t be hip. And the massacre could be a disaster. But what do I know? Fine. Hey, we got it! One more thing. Oh, someone’s at the door. I better go see who it is. What’s so great about being yourself when you can be like F? Do not speak to your mother that way. How dare you enter this house like that? Wait, where are your tattoos? Oh, thank the stars. Where were you? Hanging out with Parker. Is this why you skipped tea and seance? Your grandparents were trying to contact you. Holy headies! Whoever did that to you Wednesday, I hope the other guy looks worse. Nobody did this to me. This is my new look. Do you like it? I do not like it. Everyone knows pink is a gateway color. I warned you about sending her to public school. Don’t worry. Wednesday is never going to that school again. What? In fact, she’s never leaving this house again. That’s some evil eye she’s got there. No, that dead eye stare is new, and I think I know where she got it. Hey guys, this is me now. If you like it, hit like. But who cares if you like it? I’m living my truth. Parker! Who did this to you? I did. This is my new look, Mother. I’ve decided that from now on, I choose my clothes. Not you. This is that little creep Wednesday Adams’ work. She’s not a creep. She’s just not like you. Why can’t you ever let people be different? Because it’s my calling to make everyone the same. You’re too bright. It’s… Maybe it’ll burn away the weird. I hate it here. Everything’s boring and fake and bright like plastic flowers. Like… like you. Parker, plastic flowers live forever. Now you go think about that in your room. With no social media. No! Please, no! Anything but that. Now go wipe that depressing goop off your face. You first. Those Adamses have gone too far this time. I think they’re going to need a little more help. Where are you going? A friend’s. I hold people prisoner, not the other way around. Good luck with your mazurka. Wait! You’re leaving? Who’s gonna torment me every day? Living under this roof is all the torment you’ll need. Besides, our parents have made it clear that the only way to be accepted in this family is to be exactly like them. I can’t play by those rules anymore. Farewell, Brother Pugsley. Tomorrow you become a man, and I become a fugitive. Always kinda knew it’d end up like this. Just didn’t think it’d be so soon. I’ll never forget you, Pugsley. But I’ll try. Pugsley, have you seen your sister? She’s not in her room. Pugsley, where’s Wednesday? Tick tock, tick tock, mother. You’re getting very sleepy, Pugsley. She did not go to her friend’s house. She went to her friend’s house? I repeat, she did not go to her friend’s house. When the day is long, when the night, the night is young. When you show your face like a sin. I shall be staying with you for a while. If this doesn’t work, the next house we flip is gonna land on you. Marty, listen to me. Tomorrow, our finale will be the biggest half hour your network has ever aired. There’s just one more thing to take care of. This better be good or you won’t be able to get a job as a doorman. Yes, yes, yes. I intend to bring the house down. When the pimps in the crib, ma, drop it like it’s hot, drop it like it’s hot, drop it like it’s hot. When the pigs try to get it, pop it like it’s hot, get a attitude, pop it like it’s hot, pop it like it’s hot, pop it like it’s hot. I got the wrong room and I’m pouring Sean down and I’m all the best, cause I got it going on. IT! KOSIN, YOU MADE IT! Please, come in! Make yourself at home! Where did she hide my phone?! I wasn’t able to post a photo of my lunch in almost three days! And what about in there? That’s my mom’s crafting room. No one is allowed in there. Then that’s where it is. Weird. Whoa. Hidden depths. What is this? There’s Mr. Haney making a sandwich. And that guy trying to put a tiny tuxedo on his cat. That’s Mr. Flynn. My money’s on the cat. And there’s our science teacher, Ms. Gravely, putting her underwear in the freezer. My mom must have built hidden cameras into all of the houses. She really is psycho. Parker! Parker! Hey, Mom! We were just looking for you! What if I told you about Mommy’s crafting room? Sorry to do this, but standards must be upheld. Parker, someday you’ll understand. And Wednesday. Well, anyway, Parker. My mom has a lair and a jail? I knew I should have picked to live with my dad. Are we gonna be famous? Len, what do you want in the frame? Okay, everyone, listen up. It’s the last run-through before the finale, so let’s try this one last time, okay? We’re gonna shoot across the town square to the gazebo where Marga will make her grand entrance. So everyone will be walking this direction across the square. Judy, you start here. Ken, you’re gonna follow Judy. You can stand right here and… Is there a bathroom nearby? Marga, they’re here! What are you talking about? Here! The Adams! Pardon me. Oh! Excuse me. What are we going to do? What we always do, Glenn, help people. The Adams monsters are planning to attack the town tonight! Exclamation point. Meet at Margo’s house now. Oh! Petunia, I love what you’ve done with your hair. I just had a mode. Please, come in. Make yourself uncomfortable. Uncle Onion! Mama! It’s been so long. Yes, so disappointed to see you. You always manage to bring a tear to my eye. Greetings, Dr. Flambé. How you doing? I’m on fire. Good! This party’s gonna be lit. Ah, Auntie Sloone. Auntie Sloone, you are as radiant as a barrel of nuclear waste. Where is the boy? Bugsley! There you are. Come down and say hello to your Auntie Sloone. Gomez, this tradition is not to be taken lightly. I trust that the boy has been properly trained. Yes, yes, once you see how we’ve… It’s bad enough this mazurka is taking place in New Jersey. Now where are the drakes? You’ve seen them? The stories on neighborhood meets? Both people, they’re monsters! And now there’s an infestation of them! We’ll be revealing assimilation and all of you to our audience in just an hour. Our last chance to help these people is now! No one torments my family but me hair clip, please, okay Cage school 101 Better be ready or Auntie Soon will have you to her! You two very fool! Our kids got some big shoes to fill! I certainly hope the buy’s ready! No, I’m not going to see all of them. End up! I know the last time we saw each other we had that horrible fight. And I just wanted to tell you from the bottom of my heart, I won that fight. And I was glad I cheated. You won? Still a sore loser. I want a rematch right here, right now. Auntie Sloan, can I get you anything? When’s the mazurka? Soon, soon. Our daughter Wednesday isn’t here yet. If your daughter can’t be on time, then we will begin without her. Very well, Auntie Sloan. Attention, please. Attention! The hour is upon us. Places. We gather today to witness my son, Poxley Adams, perform his Saber Mazurka. We will begin with a reading from the Terror, which commemorates our cries in battle. And now, the transition into manhood. *Cough* And now the Saber Meshuggah. Hold still. The Adam’s mustache. Now you’re ready. *Music* Pugsley! I give up. I can’t do it, Pop. I’m sorry. I let you down. You haven’t let me down, Pugsley. I let you down. I was so focused on doing things the traditional way, I forgot to let you be who you are. Are you ready for your Margo makeover now? It’s Margo. She must have turned the whole town into stock raving lunatics. Well, I have to admit, I admire her work. Let’s do this then. It’s locked and loaded, Margo. Let’s go get them right now. Pugsley! What is the true meaning of the Masuka? It’s about protecting our family from those who would do us harm. Go ahead, show them what you’re good at. Shaka-laka-bang, baby! We’re trapped! Hope I’m not crashing the party. Fetch day! Ichabod, quick! Lower your branches! Fargo Needler never stops until the project is complete! Fire in the hole! Is everyone alright? No limbs missing that weren’t missing before you arrived? My little raven. I’m so happy you returned. Of course I came back. I knew there was no way you were going to save yourselves. You were like weak baby squirrels. Socrates. Eight legs, nine lives. You were right, Garamir. People can be cruel. What have we done? They’re just a family. Family? Please, they’re a bunch of monsters. Don’t go soft on me, people. I will relish hounding you until that nuclear waste dump of a house is gone and your mutant family along with it. Be careful what you wish for, Ms. Needler. My family and I will never run from the likes of you again, you know. Deep breath, Margot. I have a finale to shoot. Parker, let’s go. I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m staying with my friend. Your friend? Parker, these people are freaks. If they’re freaks, then I’m a freak. And so are all of you. Exhibit A. Miss Gravely, you put your underwear in the freezer. Hey, it’s refreshing, okay? Exhibit B. Trudy Pickering, you sit on the toilet backwards. Well, where else am I supposed to put my arms? How did you know that? Because your houses have been infested with Needler vision. She has hidden cameras everywhere. And watches you all of the time. In my private time? What else has she seen? That is over the line. Shut up! Listen, lemmings. This is my town. You are nothing but a bunch of extras. We are going to march down that hill and do a live show. I expect you to convince those brainless peons out there in the audience that this is the perfect place to buy a house. or none of you will be living here much longer! Do you hear me?! Actually, Mom, everyone can hear you. You’ve been live this whole time. Three million people are watching you right now. The real you, for a change. Please, what do I care what a bunch of bloggers think? Margot, what?! It’s the network. They’re taking your show off the air. What?! No, I’ll be bankrupt. Who will buy all these houses? Okay, watch this. Now’s my chance. Excuse me. I just tooted. Furthermore, I think I can help you get rid of those houses. What are you talking about? Well, my dear, you’ve got a bunch of houses you need to get rid of, and I’ve got a bunch of family I need to get rid of. Excuse me, Aunt Trudy. Ah! Have a wonderful day. Thanks. Bye. Hello there. Howdy, neighbor. How’s the new house? Hi. I hope you brought your umbrellas. Oh, you put in a typhoon. What a great idea. Don’t forget the gift basket, silly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got scented embalming fluid, toes, teeth, a fruitcake, rat bait, got some dried apricot. He’s like training a puppy. Adorable, but tiresome. She’s the woman of my dreams. Her breath is like a baby’s diaper. Oh, faster. Stop. Who would have thought a guy like me, a total zero, would have ended up with you, an also zero. Well, do come in. Now with the house rebuilt, Pugsley, we can throw you the celebration you deserve. You are Adam through and through. Oh, how lovely. The spirit’s home. Finally, back to Norwood. We did good. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t. Get him or stay. Get him or stay. They’re creepy and they’re kooky. Furious and spooky. They’re all together kooky. The Addams Family Family, family, family. I go to war with my family. Up and down, up this family. They think that we crazy. They say that we crazy, can’t handle it. My back on the wall. Back, who am I called? My family. We different. We stick out. We got, we got, bug out. Show out. No problem. No. Why you looking in the wrong way? So you better think twice. you shouldn’t mess with me you don’t wanna mess with me cause if you mess with me you’re messing with my family you shouldn’t mess with me you don’t wanna mess with me cause if you mess with me you’re messing with my family you might think that we are only but this family about to go global You should know it’s the wrong way, so you better think twice. They say we got problems, but we say it’s cool. Wrong or right, this family. I am my thing that we are. But this family back to the global. I love it when you smile for me. Forget your hooks in me, I should warn you. Once you’re in, you ain’t getting up and waiting. But you hold me by my heart. Watch your step when you walk to me. I tread suddenly in my way. I will try to talk to you, count from your back. There’s a haunted house. Once you’re in, you ain’t getting out. But you hold me to my, my, my heart.